When All Else Fails
by CompMan44
Summary: A funny flashback, courtesy of Kuno.


It was a bright, crisp, wintry morning, the sort on which one has a sensation of true bliss, an ecstasy from which nothing at all can bring you down. This is exactly how a certain Tatewaki Kuno was feeling. He did, however, have a very good reason to feel that way: his beloved osage-no-onna had at last succumbed to his advances, and agreed to date him come Sunday. No doubt his undying love for her had finally been proven, and she was awestruck by his tenacity. Yes, life was going pleasantly. 

Kuno could clearly recall the countless times his goddess had bested him in combat; nary a one of her skilled blows had escaped his memory—odd, considering the large proportion of which had been landed to the head. But that was of no concern to him. The Sun of his existance had been swayed by his charm, and not a soul could ever now separate them, until the Earth itself might collapse to nothingness! … no, not even such as that could sever the bond their souls now shared. 

Now had come at last the day, and he held no reservation in giving his beloved anything she would ask of him. It wasn't long, though, before she lapsed into a quiet pensivitude. Having spent the better part of an hour strolling silently alongside him, she at last deigned to break from her shyness. 

"Heh… er, 'Tacchi-kun'?" 

"Yes, my Heart of Hearts?" 

"Well, not ta, heh, be rude, o'course, but, um, ya don't seem to be feelin' too well…" 

"_Au contraire, mie cherie!_ I have never been better! The sun doth shine brighter with you by my side, and the darkness is as day! Although, one matter still plagues my curiosity—" 

"Um, what's that, my, ah, love?" 

"Thro' the months of our honorable courtship of combat, I have been denied time and time again to know the name of she who has stolen my heart. Prithee that I might now learn that by which you would have me call you." 

"Uh… Ranma. Ranma Saotome." 

"'Tis so?! Many a commoner has said this unto me, yet I was certain my one Star could never bear that name, the same as my hated enemy! But now, straight from the lips of my goddess in flames adorned, says she this is indeed! Why must the Fates curse you in such a manner?" 

"Ya moro—er, that's, y'see…. Look, I been tryin' ta tell ya, an' other people have, too, he an' me are the… the same person—" 

"Wahaha! Perhaps the Fates are not so cruel, for I see now they have blessed my Love with a wit to shame Bacchus! Hither, we trek for yon manor, for 'tis my blessed home." 

"Hey! Coulja just _listen_ ta me for a sec?!" 

"Certainly, my Fragrant Blossom." 

"I ain't _kiddin'_! Me an' yer 'hated enemy,' we're the same daggun'd person! I ain't tryin' ta pull yer leg; he's me an' I'm him! Look here, couldja get me some hot water?" 

"If you would bless mine abode with your presence, then I will momentarily procure that which you request." 

"Yeah, yeah, all right. But I ain't too patient, so be quick, 'kay?" 

"With pleasure, my Lighthouse in the Sea of—" 

"Shaddap an'—_Tacchi-kun_, would ya be so kind as ta _hurry_ with the water?" 

"O-of course." 

As Ranma-chan waited in the foyer, Kuno hailed a servant to fetch the kettle and heat some water for tea. In fact, he reasoned, a quick brunch would be the perfect opportunity to break his news to the Beauteous Blossom—that now, the curse of the _vile_ Ranma Saotome being lifted from his _wondrous_ Ranma Saotome, he would that she might wed with him. 

So it was that the two were seated around the first-floor tea table of the Kuno Estate, he sipping reservedly, a doting eye upon his _Fleur d'Amor_ as she— 

"My love! Take care with your tea; 'tis scalding hot, and thou hadst nearly spilled it on thyself!" 

"That's what I'm _tryin'_ ta do! Just hold yer horses! An' I don't wanna hear nothin' 'bout 'black magic' or nothin', either!" Upending the teacup, Ranma-chan poured its contents over her head, and before Kuno's eyes, transformed into the dread sorceror, Ranma Saotome. 

"Saotome, you fiend! What have you done with my pig-tailed goddess?! Surely 'tis more of your black—" 

"Wouldja jus' shut the feck up? Didn't I just say I don't wanna hear ya say nothin' about that? 'T ain't no black magic; it's a _curse._ I toldja over an' over again, but ya jus' wouldn't listen! So jus' siddown an' shaddup an' let me explain! Oh, an' can I get a glass o' water real quick?" 

Said water having been applied in the same manner as the tea, the sweet Fire-Tressed Angel again appeared before Kuno. As she began to explain the curse, the look of outrage on Kuno's face told only a fraction of his heart-wrenching grief; the painful truth had begun to dawn, and was now approaching mid-morning. Yes, the summer rains had even begun to flood his mind with sorrow as he realized that his Love of Loves, his Light of Lights, the Flare-Bright Fountain of his very existance, was transformed from a thing of beauty, into a thing of evil. For, there could be no doubt, the Winsome Warrior on which he had obsessed since their meeting, never had, and never would exist. It seems there do come to pass many things which are too good, too perfect, to be real. The osage-no-onna he had loved and pined for so long was but a guise crafted by that vile sorceror. 

::

"Such is the tale by which your grandfather, scion of the Kuno Estate, the noble Blue Thunder of Furinkan Kou-Kou, lost his first love." 

"Eh, Grampaw, didn'tcha say ya was in love wit' Auntie Akane 'fore that?" 

"Ah…? Oh, yes, indeed; my apologies. My _second_ love, then." 

"What 'bout Auntie Nabiki?" 

"Point taken. Regardless, you must understand, time passes, and the world changes; and the pig-tailed girl has become more lovely, and more loathesome, and, it would seem, your Great-Uncle Ranma." 

"Unca' Ranma's the pig-tailed girl?! Ha-ha, that's a good one, Grampaw. I bet next you'll be tellin' us Unca' Ryouga turns into P-chan. Haw, haw!" 

"That, Grandson, is a tale for another day. Now, quickly, quickly, to bed before your grandmother comes looking for you. Doubtless she would be upset if you were late to bed _again;_ I suggest that you hurry if you don't want to miss out on one of Grandma Kasumi's breakfasts." 


End file.
